For the past two months in Charlotte I have just been floating around. I never came to terms with the things that didn't work out this summer and instead pushed them completely out of my thoughts. But we all know it's impossible to do that forever and at last it all came crashing on me. All this weight of regret, fear, and insecurity lead me to no other decision than to run away for a little while. And that's what I did. But no matter how many miles I traveled I'm still in this situation only with less distractions. Who am I kidding? I'm in New York, where all you have to do is walk outside of your door and you feel like you are doing something. But when I'm here, in this room, alone, I realize there are many things I have yet to face. I'm scared but I have this peace that I was not able to find back home. Now I have to prove to myself that I still have this strength that I have gained throughout all these years from all the hurt and from all the accomplishments. I just have to keep telling myself this, "You are doing better than you think you are."

I'm in too deep and my reality seems a few steps further from the last time that I had seen it.
But now I barely see it.
I see myself every morning and every night I see the faces of the people who made it into my heart by breaking it.
Keep breaking it, because the more it breaks the more beautiful it gets.
I'm not afraid to lose my heart but I'm afraid to lose my soul.
Nurture my soul because my soul is what's going to live on forever.
To tell my children how I made it.
I will make it.

Today's digital journal entry.

Lovely Somethings.

Tough Love

The little girl inside of me has this image in my head of how a man should love a woman. The image of a man holding a woman with every ounce of his being and not letting go until there is no more electricity that is to be shared between their bodies. Basically, I have an idea of how a woman should be desired by a man. I don't have much luck in the department of finding a guy who is good for me for longer than a couple of months. I often get discouraged and wonder what it is that is wrong with me. But through all of my pain and downfalls I find something. God's love. My God is jealous for me, and he loves me enough to bring me back to him when I am wasting my time with someone who isn't doing anything to lift me up. God puts me through pain so I can find comfort in Him. This is one of the hardest lessons that I go through every year like clock work. I have to learn self-control and I have to learn that just because a guy can make me feel good for a while doesn't mean that he can make me feel good forever. I need to stop finding happiness and confidence in other people and things of this world. 

I'm feeling a little empty today and for the past few days I've also felt a little lost.
It's time for me-time as well as time with God to fix this unfulfilled soul.